According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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