there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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