Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
