oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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