It's Friday. Sex?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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