Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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