you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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