i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
