God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
