Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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