he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
