Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
