Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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