you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
