is your mom at the bar?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
