HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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