We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
