So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
