I skipped work to stalk him.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
