i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
