be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
