I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
