I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
