hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
