It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
