Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
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You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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