I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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