This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
