I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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