I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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