You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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