I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
God, I missed his penis.
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