I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
