i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
