Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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