My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
