I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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