Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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