remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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