Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
