Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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