32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
make that 40.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.