when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana