see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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