I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
