This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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