You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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