I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
