I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
