i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
