I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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