I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
