Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
