Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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