You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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