i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize