just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There are leaves in my underwear?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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